BETCHA BY GOLLY WOW!

FILE UNDER: A Moment of Clarity.



This one time at the Roxy in Los Angeles, California, I got to rave unto the joy fantastic that is Gravy Train. Immediately following this show [thankfully anchored by the joyous sounds of Junior Senior], I had this to say:

"I'm gonna start a motherfucking band.

Yeah you read that right.

And I'm not sure if I'm even going to play any instruments or write any song lyrics. I'm just gonna be the voice that everyone pays to see.

Yeah you read that right.

If I do indeed write any song lyrics I'll be sure to make them nonsensical and/or about nothing in particular. And I'm gonna totally swagger jack Prince's stage persona from back in the day mixed with a little James Brown, David Bowie, and Mick Jagger. Oh, Oh, and since, uh I work out from time to time, expect to see me onstage in little clothing or nothing at all. Oh and I won't discriminate. Girls can love me and boys can love me. I. DON'T. GIVE. A. FUCK! And you're gonna like it. And you're gonna eat up my nonsensical song lyrics about humping, touching, and fucking, all set to a synthesized beat, heavy on the bass.

So yeah, I'm gonna start a motherfucking band.

Yeah you read that right."

Well folks, looks like it's time for me to step my game up! Why? Cause Perez Hilton has released a song. AND it's titled "The Clap". [I shit you not. Look it up!] I thought I had a little more time to do me, and put the whole musical career on the back burner, but now? Oh it's on now! It is indeed, my time to shine. So here it is, the world premiere of the lyrics to my soon to be hit single coming soon to a I Kissed A Girl/Gimme More/Low/Damaged/The Clap block in the club. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Tigers, Sex, Drugs, SUSTENANCE!. Are you sitting down? Cause if you are you might want to grab onto something stable, just in case you know, these lyrics KNOCK YOU OUTTA YO SEAT!

Tigers, Sex, Drugs, SUSTENANCE!

[Verse 1]

Came up from a land down under
That's where I reside
(That's where I reside)
Oh, you ain't heard I'm the chocolate thunder
Caught you by surprise
(By surprise)
That girl's in line for the bathroom
That boy won't catch your eyes
(Catch your eyes)
Kick rocks, shake it off, don't sweat em
Stand by my side and catch some of this:

[Chorus]

Tigers, sex, drugs, SUSTENANCE!
Tigers, sex, drugs, SUSTENANCE!

[Verse 2]

Come on, get full
There's plenty to drink
(Plenty to drink)
Tap the well, keep pumping, don't stop!
(Don't stop!)
Got plenty to eat
(Plenty to eat)
That girl just looks right past you
He don't swing that way I think
(Way I think)
Kick rocks, shake it off, don't sweat em
Peep this with me:

[Chorus]

Tigers, sex, drugs, SUSTENANCE!
Tigers, sex, drugs -STOP!
Let the beat build!
Uh!

[Bridge]

Do it like Rio, dance across the sand
Uh!
Stuntin' like my daddy, go on ring da bell!
Uh!
Grab onto whatever, not just the hands
Uh!
Sexy, can I?
Oh, YES I CAN!

[whispered] Tigers, sex, drugs, sustenance
(once more)
[whispered] Tigers, sex, drugs, sustenance
(THREE TIMES!)
Tigers, sex, drugs, sustenance!
(LOUDER!)
Tigers, sex, drugs, SUSTENANCE!
(GET DOWN!)

[Chorus x4]

[Beat drops, then comes back in. Vamp beat for like 2 minutes, then fade out]

Aight, so there you have it. All I need now is a producer and a hype machine and BOOM(!) Spaceland residency!

Developing...